How good are you at asking for help?
If you’re like most — especially if you identify as female — you have some troubles with it. You don’t want to be an inconvenience. You don’t want to bother anyone. You don’t think you should need help because you are a modern woman, after all, and you can do it all on your own.
Except that you can’t.
You can’t do it all on your own because you are human, and you live on earth, where we get 24 hours per day.
You have some limits. You may not want to admit them, but they’re there. You need sleep and food and at least a little bit of fun.
And so, from time to time, you must ask for help.
Remember that, as a human, you’re designed to be in community. And being in community does not mean only to give, give, give. It also means receive.
If you’ve been keeping up with the blog, you know that emotional self-sufficiency is what I’m all about — the ability to be in charge of yourself and your emotions, rather than letting them rule you and your experience.
You cannot be emotionally self-sufficient if you cannot ask for help when you need it.
The simple truth is that sometimes you can’t deal on your own. And that’s okay.
Emotional self-sufficiency sits in the tension between taking care of yourself and being present for others. You can’t take care of anyone else if you’re not taken care of.
And sometimes you can take care of yourself by yourself. You can go for a walk on your own, cook some food, go to sleep, go do something fun, set aside some time for quiet and meditation.
And sometimes you need some help.
You see a counselor to help you heal from a traumatic experience. You ask someone to bring over some prepared meals. You order grocery delivery because you don’t have the time in the week to make it to the store. You ask a friend to come over for tea so that you can chat. You meet up with other parents and do a childcare swap for a few free hours in the week.
To get things on track, step 1 is to take personal responsibility (read more on that here). You can only do this for you, as, of course, you’re the only one you are in control of. And note — taking responsibility does NOT mean that you are at fault. It DOES mean that you decide to take effective action to help yourself heal in whatever way you need.
If, as you decide to take personal responsibility for yourself, you come to the realization that you can, in fact, take care of yourself by yourself, great!
And if you think you can take care of yourself by yourself, but think a little help would be, well, helpful, perfect! — ASK.
And if you simply can’t do it all on your own, awesome awareness! — ASK.
Hear me friend — there is absolutely no shame or blame in any of these scenarios. There is no increased value in you as a person if you can take care of yourself on your own, and no decreased value if you need some help.
Asking does not:
make you weak,
mean you have poor character,
mean you are less than,
mean you are a mess,
mean you’re inept or incompetent,
make you less of an extraordinary human than you are.
Asking for help DOES
mean you are human,
give you the space and opportunity to connect in a new way,
signal that you do know how to take care of yourself — because you know when you need to ask for some extra support,
help to build community,
make others trust and respect you (see third point).
All in all, being emotionally self sufficient means having the insight to know when you need to ask, how to ask, and whom to ask.
Note: even if you don’t know whom to ask, but know you need help, you have options. You can simply say a sincere petition to God/The Universe/All That Is that you need help, but don’t know how to get it. I, and many I know, have done this in moments of intense uncertainty and desperation with extraordinary results. I myself have gotten help in the form of: work, an unexpected email or phone call from the exact right person who could help me, a referral from a friend or colleague, and insight around the situation I was struggling with. All in all, every time, I’ve been lead to the exact right resource nearly immediately after the asking.
Also, if your friends or family can’t provide the help you need, ask them if they know where you might get it. More often than not, there is a friend of a friend, or a co-worker of someone in your family, or distant relative, or someone within the 8 degrees of separation who can get you the help you need.
Until next time…